google4f8a837d4bba1b64.html

I hat this google crap it's so annoying and asinine. But at least few people who i know would find me blog.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while though no one prolly even reads this... whatever.. Well i got my first night as a girl last Thursday and i loved!!!!!! I can't wait to have another day/night as a girl. I now have to make a choice... Do I stay here with my family or do I go out to California. I recently got a job offer there but i don't want to go without my onee-sama! She is all I have left and what would I be without her? Would I even be me? Would I be able to live without my onee-sama around? Would she remember me after I left? Would she still be my onee-sama? Would Summer still be Summer without my Onee-sama? All these questions plague my mind. I need answers yet I am too afraid to even ask. I love my onee-sama and I have tortured her enough. I don't want to hurt her anymore. I don't want be without her but this job... this career... it's way too good to pass up.

smileys... not

yay finals are OVER!!! I am so happy but not really cuz after recent shit i've done i jest wanna crawl into a ball and die. I hate it that for once when i finally have some of my friends parents not hating me i go and open my fucking mouth and ruin it! well still no help getting help.. millions of sites on the internet and i can't find a single one to help. So in short i'm jest completely all around ashamed and jest don't see that changing anytime soon.

I gotz me a job!

Yay i got a job!!!! I be workin my timmy's hoe y'all. lol! but yea startin 8 bucks an hour so it'll be fun... and I will get discounts on donuts!!!!!!! YAY for donuts!!!!!!!!!!! Yes I is a fat person at heart. i would be fat if it wasn't for my reverse metabolism. but that'll all change when i get the est. pills :(

re-up

Sorry that i was unable to post but times have been hard i have been disheartened to the point that at times i long for death... I know i sound over dramatic but i no longer see who i am as anything but who i am and that alone beguiles me with guilt. I have recently come to realize certain things that people would rather me not. I have seen what i am and what i will become and that has scared me more than anything i have ever encountered. I sit here now typing this and i wonder if by knowing what i am to be will change it or will it cement it into the future for ever. I feel empty as i sit here, alone and in my undies (boxers). I feel a coldness and a emptiness that is eerily similar to that of my blood days. I sit here and I realize that all i am is a hollow shell that fills this role I have been forced to play. this angry role that i despise so much. Please, If all else should fail you remember this for it is the only advice that I have that is worth knowing.


"Be who you are. No matter who or what you are. and as long as u do that nothing else matters."

This is my first

This is my first blog entry, so i feel it's only fitting that I tell you a bit of my life's story. (and yes i know my bit kinda turns into my entire life but it's all crucial info) My mother was a drug addict since way before i was born. Actually she was a drug addict since high school. That didn't stop when she got pregnant. This is the thing that causes many of my problems through my life. When i was born I was the youngest of 4 children. I had one older brother and two older sisters. My brother Scott was the eldest, followed by my sister Mary, then my sister Jill and finally me. Growing up while my siblings were at school i would spend multiple hours watching TV which most likely lead to my interest in reading and later writing. Growing up i was constantly on the border between feminine and masculine. I was always willing to take a hit scrape a knee or fall. I often found myself mainly spending most of my time with my sister because my brother Scott was always working or at school. I remember growing up my mother was very passe towards my brother and I but always seemed to lavish my sisters with attention and approval. I realized at a young age that i was unusual. I knew i had a role that I should have fit into and i had completely ignored that role. But that changes when i reached kindergarten. I was often excluded because i was in fact different. i was a a moose among deer. It was very like a messed up version of the discovery channel. It was then that i sought to change my ways. I had always been intelligent but my intelligence up until this point was used for attention and for praise. Now my intelligence would be used for one sole purpose, the perfection of a role. I had decided that this role would be perfect. I would be everything a boy should be i would be more daring than all others and i would no longer fear pain. And to this goal, i was successful. At times i was so successful that i often fooled myself as well as everyone else. when i was 9 i got very deep into drugs. I was buying and selling drugs solely for my own addiction. By the age of 11 i was in the Boston Devision of the bloods. this allowed me to expand my market and my addiction. while there i used my anger towards society and it's social rules as a fuel for my fighting. This often lead me to extremely brutal and dangerous ways of winning gang fights. As my addiction grew worse and my world started to crumble i decided i had to quit. i spent a month during my summer vacation out on a boat in the Nantucket Sound. Soon after my parents and i moved to Florida (which this was our third time) and i was glad to leave the gang life behind me. i kept my role going strongly until roughly last October when i could no longer keep it inside me and had to tell someone. Little did I know, by the end of the year i would have told everyone of my close friends and would find each one to be thoroughly surprised but very comforting. I had thrown around the idea of following my dreams and going through with the procedure but had never really decided until last Wednesday , February sixth. It was on this day that I found her. It was on this day that i would find the one person who would change me in such a way that i decided that there was only one option for my future. This Person, this woman, the goddess was Dana International. A woman who had changed as i longed to and had been both beautiful and successful in this transition.